Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
