I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
