I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
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