I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
