Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
