i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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