It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
