My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
