Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
