i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
