I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
