I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
