Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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