Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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