i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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