No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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