I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
