cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
