I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
