I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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