That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
