My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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