Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
