I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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