Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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