I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
