I want to make a zoo with you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
