Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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