: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
