So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
