haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have fence marks all over my body
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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