i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
