Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
