i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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