i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
