So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
