Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
