girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
