Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
