Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Randomize
