Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
