dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
