God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
