It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
