please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
