I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
