Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
