hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
