dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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