So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
