update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
