Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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